Saturday, April 18, 2020

Chapter 3 of Hell Week: Climactic Cromulence(1)

It has been quite a week-- a transcendentally turbulent trifecta of truculent tulgeyness!(2) 

In Chapter 1, I had a transient episode of damnable diplopia.(3)  In Chapter 2, I had a fearfully fetid fever.  But Chapter 3 is horrendously hirsute.  (It's getting really hairy now and it's threatening to get hairier, and I don't just mean the way I can't go out to get a haircut).

To increase the suspense, I will start by resolving (mostly) the cliffhangers of Chapter 1 and Chapter 2.

In Chapter 1, as you may remember, I had double vision, but I wasn't sure why.  I took bets as to the cause.  It couldn't be retinal detachment because it got better.  It's not eyedrop, because it got better so fast; I had something similar in 2005 and it took months to resolve.  I ruled out migraine, because it was nothing like any migraine I have ever had.  There was no ministroke (or maxistroke) on the MRI.  That leaves TIA, aliens, and, well, you'll have to read on for a couple more paragraphs - hang in there!

In Chapter 2, despite my negative COVID-19 test, I was not sure I should leave isolation, because sometimes the test is wrong.  But by Wednesday, my doctor agreed that it was not COVID-19 and gave me the OK to end the self-imposed isolation. 

What it turned out to be was a particularly nasty case of facial cellulitis.  I hadn't had a fever like that since 2005 when I was on chemo--such a lovely little trip down memory lane.  Luckily, the cellulitis has responded quickly to antibiotics.  So I feel better, and I am free to hide from society just like everyone else.  Hooray.  Yippee.  Rah, rah, rah.  Nasty infection in what's left of my right cheek.  Just super. 

And now, the climax that you've all been waiting for:  It's the star of the show, the little (not really little) tumor that could, Bartleby the Tumor!  Yes, the MRI showed that Bartleby grew.  He just grew "a little bit."  But "your head cancer grew a little bit" is like saying, "I'm just going to put this needle in your eye a little bit."

Where has Bartleby grown?  Bartleby has popped back up a little bit where they scraped him out from behind my nose.  But, most suspiciously, Bartleby has filled up my right Meckel's Cave.(4)  Meckel's Cave is a little pouch of connective tissue, and a superhighway of nerves runs through it.  Next to Meckel's Cave runs the 6th cranial nerve, aka, the abducens nerve.  That nerve signals my right abducens muscle to rotate my eye to the right.  Although Bartleby is not touching that nerve, Dr. Manhattan says that he might have caused temporary inflammation that irritated the nerve, thus messing up my eye rotation and giving me double vision.

That brings us back to the really important stuff--the betting pool for what caused my double-vision. The answer is: we still don't know!  There is a three way tie between remaining options -- aliens versus transient ischemic attack versus tumor.  I would hold a trial by combat to determine which participants should win the monopoly money, but with the physical distancing and all, that seems impractical.  And to the retinal detachers, ministrokers, migrainers, and eyedroppers, sorry you lost, but I'm sure you'll get a chance to play again sometime!


Look, folks, this is not even the beginning of the end. This is still a possibility that Bartleby could start shrinking on pembro, which is why Dr. Manhattan went ahead with my infusion on Friday and is recommending we give it 1 more cycle after that and then get another MRI.  And if it hasn't started shrinking by then, we'll start looking hard at clinical trials.

Not even close to giving up here. 

Still, let's face it: this was a very cromulent week. 



(1) Shamelessly lifted from the February 18, 1996 episode of The Simpsons.  According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of cromulent is, "a truly cromulent word."  I kid you not.

(2) Also shamelessly lifted, this time from Alice in Wonderland.  It is from the "tulgey wood" in the poem Jabberwocky.   It is a dark, forbidding place, home of the Jabberwocky, the Bandersnatch, and the Jubjub Bird. https://aliceinwonderland.fandom.com/wiki/Tulgey_Wood 

(3) Diplopia means double-vision in Doctorese.

(4) You would think Meckel's cave is just where Meckel keeps his treasure.  Disabuse yourself of that fanciful notion.





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"Hey, Meckel, you in there?"

4 comments:

  1. Holy crap! It's almost biblical. David and Goliath, now Thomas and Bartleby. You too will triumph! ❤

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  2. crap, and I thought your ER trip was such a tease!?!?!

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  3. Bartleby, I wish you’d find another place to shmerz your Welt.

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